the art of remembering

"If my art is an ongoing conversation I have with my life where I dream of all that might be possible, the added bonus is that I get to encourage my children in their dreams, too. I also see beauty in less likely places than I used to, like the tiny white T-shirt I just bleached that reappears smeared with grass stains. I study my children and never cease to be amazed by the complexity and uniqueness of their delicate faces. They are small, priceless masterpieces." - Kierstin Castella

I am putting this down in a form of writing while it is in my brain and heart. It is not a time when I have lots of time. It is not a thought that has been fully processed. But it is real. I have been pondering how the last 18 years of my life have been JAM FULL of the living art of children and remembering children and teaching children to remember.

I have studied the faces of 3 sons and see the complexity of the Creator's unique mark on each of them. I have studied the faces of countless middle school and high school students in 3 different states and several other countries. I am back around now to being a "teacher" in some "official" sense of the word and I am studying new little faces of a variety of ages. What I see are masterpieces that bear the signature of a Triune God.

Every day I am tempted to not notice because it seems easier. I am tempted to forget because it is more efficient. I wrestle with shutting down because it is all messy.

But today I am thankful. I am thankful that every day I have been in the process of some form of art with children for the last 6,570 days of my life. I wonder how many days of this type of art God will give me? No matter....I am a very wealthy woman.

I see a generation RISING UP TO TAKE THEIR PLACE

I keep pondering this blog. I keep chewing on what it means for my heart. yesterday I spent a LONG time talking to God about what it means that He is giving me a season in which I am, in the span of each week, shepherding 11 3 year olds, 15 8-10 year olds, and upwards of 15 17-18 year olds. Plus caring for a 9 year old son, 15 year old son, and at a distance and 18 year old. This morning I read these words from T.M. Moore. I am sharing them here because I am continuing to ponder the RICHES of this season that I am entrusted with. I want to write this down because I do believe it is a WEALTH entrusted to me. I want to be alert and faithful. I want to train the next generation as disciples of Jesus Christ. I want to WALK OUT Psalm 78. I want to believe that Jesus thinks being with children is so so valuable. I don't want to miss this.

Devotional written by T.M. Moore

Yours is the duty of instructing the young, that they fall not into sin and the devil not drag them away to his house reeking of death.

- The Rule of Carthage (Irish, 7th century)

Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled.

- Titus 2.6

All adults have a responsibility toward the rising generation, to teach them the way of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. We do this by signing up to serve in our churches - Sunday school, youth ministry, and so forth. We also do this with our own children, at home. And we do this by the zeal, boldness, and manifest joy with which we undertake the task of learning the things of Christ ourselves.

Oops. The old saw, "Children don't do what you say, but what they see you do," probably helps to explain why so many young people abandon their faith once they head off to college. They simply haven't seen anything worth living for in the adults they grew up with in church. Young people are looking for purpose, mission, something big to invest themselves in for the long haul. Is this what they see in your church? In you?

Make no mistake about it, we, the adults in our churches, are teaching the young people who will take our places (or not). We are teaching them by our words, deeds, priorities, practices, and everyday ways of life. If all they see in us is a paste-on faith over a life that looks pretty much like everyone else, they'll cast the paste-on aside and cling to the life as the thing that matters most.

Of course, that won't satisfy them - any more than it satisfies us. But until the adults in our churches begin demonstrating more vigor and earnestness about the life of faith, they will continue to teach the generation to come that Christianity is pretty much a take-it-or-leave-it deal - nice if you need it, but not necessary if you don't.

The education of the next generation begins with each one of us. Let's make better use of the opportunities we have, shall we?

a nest stirred up.

"Though many of us have seen pictures of a huge eagle's nest high in the branches of a tree or in the crag of a cliff, few of us have gotten a glimpse inside. When a mother eagle builds her nest she starts with thorns, broken branches, sharp rocks, and a number of other items that seem entirely unsuitable for the project. But then she lines the nest with a thick padding of wool, feathers, and fur from animals she has killed, making it soft and comfortable for the eggs.

By the time the growing birds reach flying age, the comfort of the nest and the luxury of free meals makes them quite reluctant to leave. That's when the mother eagle begins stirring up the nest. With her strong talons she begins pulling up the thick carpet of fur and feathers, bringing the sharp rocks and branches to the surface. As more of the bedding gets plucked up, the nest becomes more uncomfortable for the young eagles. Eventually, this and other urgings prompt the growing eagles to leave their once-comfortable abode and move on to more mature behavior." Today in the Word, June 11, 1989

"....like an eagle that stirs up its nest
and hovers over its young,
that spreads its wings to catch them
and carries them on its pinions." - Deuteronomy 32:11

changes.

I am writing about changes. I am writing about anger and struggle and tears.

I am writing about going into the one fabric store that I have known inside and out for the last 7 years that has now completely changed.

Joann's etc. is now just JOANN. I have been going to this store since we moved here in 2003 and I learned over the 7 years where things were. I learned about how to maneuver my way around with limited time, mostly because they are so short staffed that I could never find anyone to help me. I learned how to work on my memorization of Psalm 40 when I waited in the lengthy lines to have fabric cut - or to check out.

On Friday of last week we ran into what I knew as "Joann's etc." and found instead "JOANN". (SEE THE LARGE OUTSIDE SIGN FOR VERIFICATION)

I was aghast.

Who changed this vast store around? Every item, every aisle - reconfigured. Things grouped together that have never been together. A super large cutting station where you have to take a number and watch the screen to see when your number is up.

As I wandered the aisles I even said out loud, "It took me 7 years to learn this store, now it is all changed."

I know this seems like a huge response for something that really doesn't matter. And that is why I knew that the Holy Spirit was doing something else in my heart as I evaluated why JOANN made me so frustrated.

I was able to tell God that changes make me feel very out of control. Changes in names, changes in groupings, changes in waiting, changes of any kind - they cause me to recognize that my own way of "I can find it on my own, thanks" attitude doesn't always work.(especially in God's kingdom)

When we moved back to Knoxville, (which I never imagined we would be able to do) in spring of 2003, Taylor was turning 11. I have maneuvered through the turns of adolescence and cried out to God many times. I have also often thought, "we have been working with students this age for a long time - we have some experience here."

And now, Taylor is 18, and things are changing.
He is leaving.
He is not a child.
Everything is not as it has been.
Some of that is so good - and some of that is so hard.

I was able to face my own attitude about JOANN because it is also my heart about changes in our family. I felt like pouting and saying, "I won't shop here now because it is too hard - and too different!" I feel the temptation to say to God, "Changes are too hard - can't you just make things easier?" and in both of these situations I recognize the darkness of my own heart and my constant need of a Redeemer.

Will I run to the feet of my King and lay down the BURDEN of change? Will I wash His feet with my tears?

HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL NEVER CHANGE.

mysterious

God allowed me to have the gift of DANCE last night smack in the middle of Lent 2010. Our beautiful teacher, Leann Dickson, asked us to select one word in the song "Our Gread God" by Fernando Ortega and Mac Powell. On that word we were to use our imagination to see a scene that causes us to experience the majesty of God.

My word was Mysterious.
This is my moment to remember.

I am seeing the majesty of God in His Mystery this Lent.

There is Light. There is Beauty. But there are clouds and danger too.

On Pentecost 2009, I had the honor of being in New York City at Redeemer Presbyterian to hear Tim Keller teaching from the book of Habakkuk. "Give out of Scarcity." It has framed my year.

Now in the middle of Lent, Dr. Larry Crabb's devoti0n leads me back to the book and the Holy Spirit whispers truth to me, once again, from this living WORD. It is from his new book, 66 Love Letters.

"From the Book of Habbakuk: God says, never ignore your struggle with how I do things. Ask every question that rises in your heart as a you live in this world. But prepare yourself to struggle even more with My response. You must stumble in confusion before you dance with joy.

Know this: those who live by faith will struggle in ways that those who live to make their lives work will never know. It is that struggle, to believe despite desperate pain and confusion that a good plan is unfolding, that will open your eyes to see Me more clearly. Is that what you want? Will you pay the price?

The price is this: you will tremble in agony as you live in a sinful, self-prioritizing world. You will learn to wait in emptiness and frustrated desire for my plan of Love to reveal itself. With confidence in Me and hope in My plan, you will not only feel the pain of living in the valley but also SEE MY GLORY FROM THE MOUNTAINTOP OF FAITH.

Only those who struggle in confusion and wait in hope will be strengthened to struggle well and to wait with confidence!

Struggle well! Wait in hope!"

I see the awe of this mystery. I feel the pain.

I want to struggle well and wait in hope.

puritan prayers

"The soul learns to pray by praying; for prayer is a communion with a transcendent and immanent God who on the ground of his nature and attributes calls forth all the powers of the redeemed soul in acts of total adoration and dedication." - Arthur Bennett

Learning this week, in homeschooling, about Puritans. Arthur Bennett, in the 1970's, gathered Puritan prayers from the past into a compilation called The Valley of Vision.

I never want to stop learning about talking to PAPA. Here is one prayer from this Puritan collection.

The Broken Heart

O Lord,
No day of my life has passed
that has not proved me guilty in thy sight.
Prayers have been uttered from a prayerless heart;
Praise has been often praiseless sound;
My best services are filthy rags.
Blessed Jesus, let me find a covert in thy appeasing wounds.
Though my sins rise to heaven thy merits soar above them;
Though unrighteousness weighs me down to hell,
Thy righteousness exalts me to thy throne.
All things in me call for my rejection,
All things in thee plead my acceptance.
I appeal from the throne of perfect justice
to thy throne of boundless grace,
Grant me to hear thy voice assuring me:
that by thy stripes I am healed,
that thou wast bruised for my iniquities,
that thou hast been made sin for me
that I might be righteous in thee,
that my grievous sins, my manifold sins,
are ALL forgiven,
buried in the ocean of thy concealing blood.

I am guilty, but pardoned,
lost, but saved,
wandering, but found,
sinning, but cleansed.
Give me perpetual broken-heartedness,
keep me always clinging to thy cross,
Flood me every moment with descending grace,
Open to me the springs of divine knowledge,
sparkling like crystal,
flowing clear and unsullied
through my wilderness of life.

wow. yes.

mountains.

"Savior, He CAN move the mountains."

He calls Himself an immovable ROCK.

He is able.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand."
Psalm 40:2

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done."

Mountain movers who are standing on the ROCK.

These are the types of wild invitations I notice the Old Testament and New Testament give to me.
"Jesus' teaching is full of wild exaggerations, for Jesus is a wild man." - Brennan Manning

What are the slimy pits He is lifting me out of today?
How does standing on the firmness of the ROCK of His finished work change me today?
Where are the mountains in my story, in my heart that must be moved and thrown into the sea?
Am I willing to follow in the steps of a wild man, who said wild and hard and freeing things?

How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!"
Isaiah 52:7

I want the Reign of God to affect me.
I want to proclaim peace - bring good tidings - proclaim salvation and have beautiful "mountain climbing good news" kind of feet.